10 Reasons Why I need a New Car

As I was driving on the freeway today with my hand out my window holding onto my searing hot roof so it wouldn't fly away, I composed this list of why I should part with my '92 Honda del sol that I've had since I was 17.



1. POWER STEERING
2. Power lock
3. A car that doesn't leak like crazy all over me when it rains while I'm driving
4. A car that doesn't leak in general and soak my seat so that when I sit unknowingly on it I dont instantly look like I'm incontinent
5. A car that weighs more than me
6. Cruise control
7. Lights that turn off after I get out so I don't repeatedly walk away with the lights on and kill the battery
8. Four seats, it would be nice to have some variety in my car ride conversations
9. A car that doesn't ensure certain death upon impact
10. A car that I dont have have my arm out the window and hold the roof so it doesn't blow away into oblivion.